Saving Me
by Puck's Girl
Summary: The first time Elena woke up screaming was the day after her world fell apart...


**Ok guys, here is my first foray into The Vampire Diaires. This is Damon/Elena, but it is not for those that want a happy ending. There will be 5 parts to this story. Heavy on the Angst. Sorry :(**

**Special thanks go Steph and my soon to be beta Laura. **

**This, however is unbeta'd.. I was impatient.. lol**

The first time Elena woke up screaming, her body drenched in her cold sweat and hot tears, it was the night after her world went to hell. Her throat burned, as if she had walked the whole of the Sahara with no water, screaming to the heavens about the injustice of it all.

Maybe she had.

Her hands clawed at her throat, trying in vain to stop the horrendous sound that bubbled up inside her like lava from that volcano in Pompeii. Rage pushed through her with the punch of a fist. Suddenly she felt just as dangerous as Mount Vesuvius. She wanted to kill, to destroy, and to hurt everyone that was responsible for his-

She stopped herself short, her screams finally dying in her chest like the last embers of a fire that ravaged and mangled. She couldn't even say it- not even in her head.

He was gone. She knew it- had seen his body, cradled him to her chest.

She just couldn't-

Light pooled across her floor as the door to her adjoining bathroom opened. She held her breath, pulled the sheets up to her chest- a small, childish protective measure. She froze, her heart thumping loudly, when the silhouette o f a man filled the doorway. She wiped furiously at her cheeks as hope billowed in her chest like the first bloom of spring.

She leapt from her bed, readying her to run to him; throw her arms around him. Maybe- Somehow-

The man took a step into the room and the fragile flower of hope was crushed.

"Elena?"

"Jeremy?" Elena whispered, clutching at the necklace at her throat. _Don't lose it now, Elena. _She took her time, steadying her voice, her head, and her heart before continuing. "I thought you were spending the night at Bonnie's house?" _Please leave. I need to be alone. I can't-_

"I was." He moved toward her slowly, like you would a skittish animal that you feared would bolt. "I didn't want to leave you alone." He exhaled sharply, close enough now for Elena to feel his breath on her skin. "I saw the way you were after he died-"

Elena recoiled as if slapped. She felt the Earth shift beneath her feet. He said what she couldn't. "Don't, Jer."

"Dammit, Elena, I saw you! The way you were holding him-you loved-"

Mount Vesuvius came back faster and harder than she remembered. "_Shut up_! God, just shut up, Jeremy!" She could feel the bile rising in her throat, the lava rising in her. "Please-"She whispered imploringly, rushing past him.

She barely made it to the toilet before she started retching, emptying the contents of her stomach in heaving lunges that left her shaking and weak. Jeremy came in behind her, holding her hair in his hand, rubbing the back with the other. She could hear him whispering words of comfort- meaningless words that she didn't try to listen to. No one could understand. No one would _ever_ understand.

When the worst was over, she laid down on the tile floor, pressing her heated cheek to the cool tiles. She tried desperately not to remember what it was like to lay her cheek against his cool hand- to press her face against his chest when he hugged her. The smell of expensive cologne, leather and bourbon tickled her nose- and for a split second she was clutching herself to him in the woods; holding him to her in a vain attempt to ease his pain. His hands hung loosely at his sides, making no attempt to touch her until she tried to pull away. Only then he pulled her closer- inhaled the scent of her hair- almost desperately. And for the first time, under the twinkle of a million stars, not ten feet from her boyfriend, she thought she could fall in love with him.

"Elena?"

She could feel a hand run down her cheek- too warm to be who she so desperately wanted. She felt herself being lifted and carried into her room and laid on her bed. Jeremy draped her comforter over her shoulders- Elena fisted her hands in the fabric. "Jer?"

"Hmm?"

She felt the bed dip slightly before she turned her body away from him. She couldn't look at him. She couldn't stand the pity in his eyes- the understanding- she knew it would break her. _I have to be strong. _"He's really gone, isn't he?"

Jeremy's hand stroked her hair. "I'm sorry."

She closed her eyes, fought back the tears that desperately wanted to pool in her eyes. Warm lips ghosted across her temple and she didn't even try to fight the memory of his cool lips against her forehead, his hand cupping her face, the tears in his eyes when he told her all the things he compelled her to forget.

_I don't deserve you._

_I love you, Elena._

When she opened her eyes, his voice was still heartbreakingly haunting in her in her mind. "Damon." She whispered brokenly. Her voice was hollow, her mind numb. "Why did you leave me?"

_Because I love you, I can't be selfish with you._

_I wish you didn't have to forget this._

The sob welled in her chest, but she couldn't let it come out. She wanted to cry, but her eyes remained dry while she was awake. She felt as if she was made of stone. Once upon a time, she had told him that she would be brave. _I don't want to be. _

His voice echoed softly in her head.

_But you do. _


End file.
